"मैं सदा संसार से लड़ता रहा हूँ , बस यही है हार मुझको , जीत मुझको .
कौन कहता है की आधी रात को मैं बैठ शब्दों के तुकों को जोड़ता हूँ , भावना के भेद को जो है दबाये ; सत्य में , उन पत्थरों को तोड़ता हूँ आग निकले या की जल की धार निकले, राग मधुमय या करुण चीत्कार निकले , चीरकर जो संग की छाती निकलती है विकलता , बस वही संगीत मुझको .
मैं सदा संसार से लड़ता रहा हूँ , बस यही है हार मुझको , जीत मुझको .” ~ HRB
I write , I fight because this is indeed my victory when I do ..
Many shall never understand the reason behind words, which are written not for any reason of benefit or exploitation. But with that intent of not wanting to suppress feelings which otherwise may have remained dormant and hidden within ..
What do we achieve when we are dormant, silent and without expression outwardly ..
We sweat and fester inside among that which has reason to be exploded to the world outside. many argue against it and many for ..
Those that have lived an unspoken life perhaps need to speak now. The subjugation has been too intense and formal. Others that have the liberty and benefit of being free spirited, have much to say, and say it the way they would wish it to.
There is a desire to use such instances. To be renowned in the world of frank speak, yet using it to say that which perhaps may never find speech and sound. The alibi is that you have already been identified as one that speaks their mind out. When in fact it could be just the other. But who shall discover or find out … None !! And so much the better for that. Why must one ever indulge themselves in finding characters of others when they are themselves in search of that which they may want to express, or need to express and have been waiting for this opportunity for some ages ..
Silence keeps one guessing ! It could be a wonderful tool to observe absorb and then perhaps express or not express at all. Motor mouths keep talking so much that in time you lose interest in them, even though they may be expressing something of grave or great importance. There could be advantages here. Knowing that they shall be ignored after a while, they advantage themselves of releasing that pent up energy, inviting normalcy and relaxed countenance, when their counterparts burn with some intensity in un expressed indigestion !
You may not know the mind of him that observes silently. You may have the advantage of saying and bursting out with whatever you feel within. But … is what you express genuine and true. This is where the cunning comes in. Speak it out even if there is no sense in it, yet get away with what ever needed to be expelled from your system, hidden in the garb of that descriptive observation from the others that ’ we do not wish to take him seriously for, he does speak a lot … ‘
And that is just the garb that one wishes one could wrap around ourselves with, in order to keep us immune from any kind of blame.
Known for speaking out, but speaking out of turn and without content, is not such a bad state to be in. Because, when it is desired to say something that could, you know, affect the other, it would be said in nonchalant manner, but said it would be … like it or not … !!
That satisfaction would always remain with you. Unlike the other more silent kind. Never speak, never up for debate or discussion. Debate and discussion does not have an initial of its own. It picks up from that which floats through from the others in conversation. media journalist often use this technique. Provoke statement and then interpret it the way you feel it would bring the much needed commerce. Nothing wrong with that. Who said media was not a business. It is. And a most lucrative one at that.
The newspaper, the net or the electronic has replaced that body of judgement givers in society. It was always that knowledged few, who spoke and the world listened, believed and followed. Now you have options of viewpoints. In a democracy this is of prime importance to the very doctrines of governance and management. It encourages one to have differing opinions and views on particular subjects. And not always may they all have similarity.
Lack of similarity gives rise to options. Options provide us the reason to have access to differing assumptions.
How and when those assumptions fructify into fact, is the genius of brilliant media management. They have the power and the strength and the hold to bring you down on your knees, or conversely to raise you to a platform from where it would be difficult to descend.
The conscience, the keepers of justice and morality … the ombudsmen of the country and indeed the entire universe, sit in perhaps the most heavily guarded and insulated, protected existence than any other. It is not just their immunity that one can profess, it is also the most effective example of building bonds of togetherness among themselves. I marvel at this most incredible feat and wonder, if somehow the rest of the world that they know and revolve around, could possibly imbibe a small percentage of their discipline and unwritten code of conduct, this planet would be such a wonderful place to live in …
There is though a small matter of some importance however …
If we were to follow example, what and where would they be … with our codes in place and in tact we would never need the services of them that challenged us in almost every walk of life ..
It is a strange world we all live in … do we not …
Love you all … and before we close may we all put in a small prayer for those of our Ef that reside in and around ‘Sandy’, to be safe and in good care …
I am inspired by the love of life, its celebration, its sound its very existence. Not many contribute to the fact that in all circumstances of trial and trouble, it is the song that elevates us from all that attempts to bring us down. Song and the singing of it, brings us to that proverbial youth that we all crave for. Youth not in age, but in its metaphorical presence. In its proverbial form life is a giver of all that is required by the human. Peace, love, understanding and a completeness that eludes most of us during an entire lifetime. It is, I believe, imperative to express ourselves in our freedom, in our love, in our relationships - friends, acquaintances, relatives irrespective of how distanced they may seem. A few words of care and consideration, attention and interest gains for us … for us … that moment of great and immense satisfaction of having touched another being.
Many find it too intrusive to give in to such temptation, or perhaps too distanced. But a trial towards its completion would demonstrate to them how wonderful that feeling of sharing is.
At times we shudder at the fact, of perhaps giving in too much in an atmosphere which may not necessarily be desired by the other. But I would think otherwise. I would think that if such act were to be performed, the other would find it difficult to shun it, to do away with it, to perhaps shut it off halfway. It is after all a call of feeling that invites goodness in us all. Pushing it away would obviously convey that there is a problem with feeling well and considerate. Why would anyone in their senses want to flow with that …
At most they would muster enough courage to speak out and say or accept that feelings of great love and care are not required. This in itself would sound odd and obtuse. It would demonstrate their own weakness and flaws. An aversion to such common feels is not something that would attract many.
Yet for those that fall into the angle of giving, know that, giving does not diminish anything in you. Indeed I would imagine it enhances your stature and strength. With such act you would only receive good will and nothing to the contrary. Giving without remembering would be the ultimate sacrifice for society. I would habitually find it difficult to remember when was the last when I gave. I could remember when I received, but not when I gave !!
I shall happily give you my moment of the day, but shall have a problem remembering it by tomorrow …
Does it really matter that we were unable to remember what had passed. I meet many on the sets of KBC, and it has been their reminders that make me think about that which I may well have forgotten. The fact that they remember it, is complimentary in a way. Forgetting it though, morally capable of scoring a point, is embarrassing for me .. for many it is an act of pretense. So be it. My own conscience may have travelled …. not too far away … but even if it did, it would return to me when called for … and it would be called for the good, for honesty and for integrity !!! Of this one should and could be most proud of … I would certainly ..
Ponder over this … it may make some legitimate sense to some … and if it does consider yourself to be a part of a community that lives in minority … not many may possess the courage to accept the facts …
Anthony Goveas … a very happy birthday for the 29th … live well and with happiness and joy always …
The laughter of those that amuse us on life .. a singularly tough act to commit, but do we must for many do not indulge in this .. the emotional breakdown of a young girl that faced huge hardships in her early years, now within minutes earning what she would have earned in three years if she collected her entire salary .. a consolation effort and a calming of nerves … the Sunday well wishers and their constant love ..
And then subsequently a visit to Pam, Yash Chopra’s wife at their house just behind ours .. memories of great times spent here in this residence of theirs … holi celebrations, shootings, dinners and musical evenings, story discussions, songs … now a thing of the past …
A day filled with certain extremes … no bathing till late evening as a luxury … in our pyjamas till we get ready to meet the well wishers .. a state of complete relaxation and not wanting to bother about protocol and correctness … the little one bringing great joy and entertainment at the dining table, and finally a soccer game with all in the common room screaming and shouting at the tv screen like mad club followers … it was a Chelsea vs Man U game and a divide in the loyalties .. Agastya a Man U fan and of course the rest of the house with Chelsea … we lost but because of some atrocious refereeing .. part of gamesmanship I guess to keep silent and wait till the next game ..
The mind is still burdened with the responses that one needs to give for the gifts and the letters of greeting. It weighs heavily on my chest and mind … soon I shall overcome it.
How peculiar it is with some when they too are disturbed and conscious of clearing up the room of extra paper work, keeping the desk clean and with space … all the essentials in their correct and proper destination. Its a manic job to be able to achieve this but many do, and I cannot. I more than not, keep collecting material that I may never see again, but just the fact that it is near me for easy access, is reason enough to keep a busy environment in my office room .. there is a false sense of importance ha ha ha … but thats how my room looks like at this very moment ..
It reflects character I believe .. I wonder what it might display for me .. a cluttered mind, disturbed and overloaded with many thoughts none of which may ever get cleared … or another acknowledgement of a creative mind, busy and concerned with so much that an overcrowded table or room reflects the genius of the person … I say this not for myself but for that incredibly great personality of cinema, Mr Satyajit Ray.
I had on occasion visited his house and spent some time in his room. It was a sight that displayed what kind of a mind the individual possessed. Not an inch of space in the room for anything else but paper work, books, writings, a piano …ah just so many objects ! And most importantly the absolute strength and memory to be able to find any sheet of some paper work that he may have casually placed in the pile of others …
I don’t know … I just felt elated at the fact of his room being so busy. many would disagree … but I shall not … I love the sight of matter all about and within reach than to be documented and filed of loaded as in todays times on the hard disc of a computer.
A cluttered mind they say is filled with confusion, indecision and one that could be directionless … would one ever say that about the genius of Satyajit Ray. I would never dare to even think in that direction.
To each then his or her own …
A clean mind a clean and organised room could be the reflection of his or her professional status. Conversely the opposite could be true too. But the world consists of both generes. And I suspect that much like that adage about the lotus growing and glowing indeed, around a pond filled with mush and sludge, so too, a genius in the shape of the colourful lotus, could still abound surrounded by a not so clean an atmosphere.
Most genius has risen from such circumstances and surroundings. It could be a compelling factor for them and their work. What is important then is not the surrounding but the work eventually that brings satisfaction and attention. I could well live in a palace as also in the gutter … but would that reflect the quality of my work … would that be a factor in judging its quality ??
Just enough time to give you an idea that at any given time there is a possibility of running into the entire Film Industry in one evening ..
The People’s Choice Awards by Colors Channel and all the beautiful people of the fraternity, sharing, giving, acknowledging each other ..
A most touching tribute to Yash Chopra by Priyanka performing to all or most of his popular songs through out his numerous films ..
And as you can see had the lead pair of ‘Son of Sardar’ their latest film on release - Ajay Devgn and Sonakshi Sinha’s , who came over to play for Salman Khan’s charity Being Human at KBC … and Sonakshi teaching us a few elementary dance moves from the film ..
My Face Book page is not opening … asks me for my ID and Password and what have you … kind of ridiculous .. if any from the server are reading this could you please rectify this .. even replies on comment to comment it asks me who I am and to identify myself by punching in various codes of which I have no immediate knowledge .. !! Ahh !! Technology !!
So necessary but so not necessary when all this happens ..
Must to bed now … to indulge … and to look forward to spending time with family the entire day ..
EiD Mubarak ! to all in happiness and joy and togetherness and peace ..
Greetings sent to me from Fatima and a special one made by Moses Sapir from Israel ..
The warmth of festival and ritual … the need to celebrate life with happiness and joy and fulfilment in all its gaiety and purpose … to bring us together !!
May we respect all from all walks of life, from all walks of belief, and may we become examples of that which breaks all barriers and hold hands in the greatness of each. This we can achieve and practice. This we can set example of. This we can transfer to all in love and in good will. And may we all be constantly in unison with our thoughts and our love …
A dear friend who made a contribution for the art exhibition on my birthday and which has been incorporated in the book released on the 10th at the celebration, observed that -
Sound travels far too slowly than we have recorded and documented it. What we are told at 20 we only get to hear it when we are 40 !
We look back in anger at the lost opportunity and at the causes for it only after experiences that prove detrimental to us are faced at a stage where we regret. Many lament this fact during the years that pass by. We are too engrossed in the freedom of youth and independent thought perhaps at that time. May be we differ in opinion when younger. The passion of the earlier years perhaps is too heady. Nothing seems insurmountable until we face the mountain of that which puts a stop to our beliefs and efforts. We look for answers, but perhaps it is too late. Either that, or we quickly learn and repair. Repair or stepping back seems at that younger age to be a defeat unbearable to give us a presence with the world. It seems to us that in our loss the entire world assesses and looks at us with tinted glasses, or none at all. It could be. But generally as days and years pass by, we realize that those moments were simply not worth remembering. Other than of course, the unfortunate repercussions that may have followed it.
I think they remain within us, perhaps subdued or hidden somewhere in our psyche, reappearing only when needed. But by and large a dormant factor.
The decisions that we may make at 40 could be influenced by what we did not gain at 20. But seldom do we find decisions at 20 matching the thinkings of 40. Not always, but sometimes that bright spark of genius sets itself free and shows its eminent colours. Blessed are they that can have the maturity to be able to do that. But many would argue that the learning so essentially required for that moment, would never be put to use if all were to go well. Relevant point.
I think I would lose the enthusiasm of youth and the younger years, its boundless energy to experience the flamboyance normally attached to that period, if I were to follow what would be expected of me at say 40. But I would give the years a good thought before delving into something that needed a 40 bearing.
A lot of the constraints that we face at times come with the circumstances we find ourselves in at the time of birth and the realization of where and who we are.
I was born into celebrity. I was always from day one, Dr Harivansh Rai Bachchan’s son, and almost reverentially looked upon. The reverence was for the well deserved status of my Father. There would always be some things that I could associate myself with, and some not. Always some things that I had to offer restraint to, in keeping with the thought of whom I represented. The impressions carried of me would reflect that which would be understood to be of my Fathers and my Mothers. It would always weigh heavily before I undertook any task or action. That has remained till today, for I believe that the impressions still matter, even though I may have lost their presence in my life. All the more reason then for their name and standing to be protected. In my own created public life, I would always put the parents and their integrity and value first. Mine is not important. If theirs is revered, it is enough for me. And that shall remain till the very end of my life.
For most of us, that is what remains till the rest of our lives .. and so it should … 20, 40 or whatever …
In a solemn ceremony of the ‘chautha’, the fourth day after the passing away of Yash Chopra, Adi his eldest son and one who virtually runs his entertainment empire, asks me to speak a few words in remembrance … I do … after ShahRukh, Karan and Anupam Kher have expressed themselves in what he meant to them and his memories spent together ..
My words ..
44 वर्षों का साथ , जो की 1968 में शुरू हुआ , 2012 में अचानक और समय से पहले समाप्त हो गया .
इन ४४ वर्षों में , कला के क्षेत्र में यश जी का जो योगदान रहा , देश विदेश में , जग जाहिर है . परन्तु मैंने उन्हें हमेशा एक घनिष्ट मित्र और एक अद्भुत इंसान के रूप में पाया .
नाम और शौहरत के साथ साथ मित्रता और इन्सानिअत को साथ लेकर , अपना जीवन व्यतीत करना , ये कोई सरल काम नहीं है .
लेकिन यश जी में ऐसे ही गुण थे .
मैंने उनके साथ इस लम्बे सफ़र में , बहुत कुछ सीखा और जाना . बहुत से सुखद और दुखद पल बिताये . काम के प्रति जो उनकी लगन , निष्ठा, और उत्साह था , उससे उन्होंने मुखे भिगोया - इसके लिए मैं सदा उनका आभारी रहूँगा .
इतने वर्ष उनकी संगत में रहकर , जो उनमें एक महत्वपूर्ण बात देखी, वो ये कि मैंने उन्हें कभी भी किसी के साथ अपना क्रोध व्यक्त करते नहीं देखा . कभी भी किस्सी के साथ ऊंचे स्वर में बात करते नहीं देखा . ऊंचा स्वर उनका था , लेकिन अपने काम के प्रति उल्ल्हास व्यक्त करने के लिए होता था , क्रोध नहीं . परिस्तिथि चाहे कुछ भी रही हो , उनका स्वभाव हमेशा शांत रहा .
मिलनसार व्यक्ति थे वे .
जितना प्रेम वो अपनी फिल्मों को देते थे , उतना ही प्रेम वो उन्हें भी देते थे, जिनके साथ उनका संपर्क होता था .
प्रेम से उन्हें प्रेम था …
दुःख की इन अँधेरी घड़ियों में हम उनके निकट परिवार के सभी सदस्यों को अपना शोक प्रकट करते हैं , और केवल इतना कहना चाहेंगे की … ’ है अँधेरी रात पर दीवा जलाना कब मना है ‘. ये पंक्तियाँ मेरे पूज्य पिताजी की लिखी एक कविता से हैं … ‘है अँधेरी रात पर दिवा जलाना कब मना है ‘
इसलिए … भविष्य में , आने वाले दिनों में , आशा और उम्मीद के लाखों करोड़ों दीपों को प्रज्ज्वलित करने के लिए , प्रोत्साहन के रूप में , बाबूजी की ही लिखी पंक्तियों से अपनी बात समाप्त करना चाहूँगा … की …. जो बीत गयी सो बात गयी !!
" जो बीत गयी सो बात गयी
जीवन में एक सितारा था ,
माना वो बेहद प्यारा था ,
वो डूब गया तो डूब गया -
एम्बर के आनन् को देखो
कितने इसके तारे टूटे ,
कितने इसके प्यारे छूटे ..
जो छूट गए फिर कहाँ मिले ,
पर बोलो टूटे तारों पर , कब एम्बर शोक मनाता है ..
जो बीत गयी सो बात गयी - “
Very early this morning around 5 am I set out to dub for film ‘The Great Gatsby’ for a scene that lasts a few seconds. It is an arduous task and takes hours. The finesse and detail associated with ADR is an exacting task. The sound recordist has come in from Australia, and Baz Luhrman, the director, sitting in Los Angeles listens in to the recordings and keeps giving his inputs through Skype and mobile !
The work looks interesting, especially because of the presence of Leonardo di Caprio and Toby MacGuire, who are with me in this moment. The final product in 3D should be out presently.
Kankana … happy birthday to you for the 24 th, for your 23 rd … love happiness, fulfilment and joy for ever … barring of course your fervent desire that you express on that other medium… !!!
The house resounds with the laughter and resonance of little ones .. grandchildren are in and so are the children barring one who comes in by tomorrow ..
They ask to be taken out for dinner .. I drive them all to ‘Two One Two’ at Nehru Center, for a delicious meal .. 212 .. much like the city dialling code for NYC ..
There is music and hilarious anecdotes .. and the presence of dance and song and music on the streets .. it is Dashera today .. Raavan’s effigy shall be burnt .. the triumph of Ram over him shall be symbolically portrayed all over .. Durga Ma shall also be immersed tonight .. the roads are jammed with trucks and carriers of the images, much like Ganapati … what a release of emotions among those that rarely get to celebrate at all .. the outsider on a visit here would be amazed by what he would see … probably believe that the country is in celebration perpetually ..
But returning back home causes happy problems .. traffic is jammed and there is recognition and mobbing .. it gets impossible to move … the police squad car moves in and with great difficulty extricates us to pilot us home … hmmm .. !!
"Radha" from SOTY keeps us company and on repeat .. the mood is happy and charged with rhythm ..
Baz Luhrman calls from LA .. I do sound dubbing for ‘Gatsby’ here tomorrow .. he seems excited with the project … hopefully we shall see the film and my half a blink and you miss role, soon ..
Finally getting down to signing up some projects for film .. it shall be a crowded year next year it seems ..
KBC continues … as does the excitement for it on Tv …
The pain on the back persists … need to rest it and perhaps avoid certain movements .. but shall live with it ..
Shall be seeing ‘Gatsby’ portions for the first time tomorrow … anxious as ever and apprehensive of what it might turn out for me ..
Till tomorrow then … it is coming to 2 AM … and I start at 6 AM tomorrow morning ..
The warmth of a wooly around you and the covered head with cap … socks that take care of your circulation and your feet …a relaxed chair to keep that back pain in control …
and the sleep drowsiness catches up.
I never realised that the state of drowsiness could inflict an uneasy pain and discomfort in the body … so one gets rid of all that makes you comfortable … a splash of water on the face, and we are ready for the world once again ..
I am rejuvenated not by the energy of physicality, but by the intent of writing those words that do not confine me, that allow me to exist in my world of word, to send to all that which I may have felt, seen and experienced.
Time wheels move incessantly … they stop for no one … not yesterday not today nor will it for tomorrow .. what would it do even it were to ? It is good that time moves on, seconds, minutes, hours days months years … simply move on, and thank the lord that they do. Changes in time spell change in living. If not, living would stand still … bewildered stagnated and of gathering an indelible rust, never to be erased.
Without a fresh horizon for the tomorrow, the present would rot and live in defused wonder. The freshness of time and place would be replaced by dull inert, insensate, insentient and inactive, idle, indolence. That would be a most painful exercise ; unbearable yes, but also forced in a sense, to weather the storm of natural process. Natural process when defied shall always win. It would always be prudent to avoid such occurrence. Taking on nature has always resulted in defeat, generally. Defeat can be transient if there is will to fight back. If not, if succumbing to the condition is what gets designed, then be prepared for a not so complimentary design for yourself too.
Ha ha ha !! I am idiotic and filled with such imbecilic propensity ! There is not sufficient reason to give explanation to it … but it is factual and correct ..
Laughter is not exactly what one would want to express at this time … but no other shall understand or even be sympathetic to the reason or the cause … good … I shall be prevented from explanation …
Celebrations for Dashera begin … the victory of good over evil … the destruction of Ravan by Ram … and many more such tales … fascinating !!
Soon in some hours the house shall be filled with the laughter of children and the family … they shall always remain innocent and bewildered … till such time as the responsibilities of life force them to adjust and reconcile .. for time would have moved on … moved on to another horizon … and perhaps a different world and thinking ..
The chanting of divinity .. grim faces in white .. the aroma of grief, filled with that of the flowers that decorate his still body … connected personal and family that lift the cortege .. rituals at the cremation sight .. the un controlled breaking down of some … the flames, the crackling of the wood … smoke into the heavens .. a lithe human form reduced to ash and dust …
Death in its darkness overtakes and clouds us all ..
An association of 44 years abruptly comes to an end. He went away too soon and too suddenly. He deserved to be with us longer. Yash Chopra, a friend first, a creative legend later, has passed away this evening in the late hours.
I last saw him, as do you from the pictures above, on my birthday celebrations. He was indisposed and the doctors advised him rest, but he was insistent on coming over. He had made a commitment he said. He had been asked to speak, one among four others that did that evening, over the sit down dinner. His words still ring in my ear and what remains are the resonance of his goodness and feeling that he exuded towards me. Apart from his praise on my work, what he cherished most, was that I had been a good son and above all a good human being. Not many have made such observation. It was a moving tribute.
It was his last public speech and appearance. The pictures you see above are his last visuals. His whispered words, the last he made to me, at the 10th October celebrations for my birthday. The visuals that one shall see tomorrow will be his last before the cremation, those that he shall never know of.
His breathe has gone and all that shall remain will be that which he gave life to - his creativity, his emotion, his poetry on film and above all his humanity.
As I sit beside his still and flower decked body in his studio within the portals of the large common patio, there does not pass a moment when all that we shared flashes by. This colossal studio that he built after years of hard work and labor, shall for the next day house his last physical remain. I doubt if he had ever dreamt that this unique and most distinguished facility would find space to accomodate him in the state that we see him today.
When he broke away from working with his brother the distinguished BR Chopra, another institution of eminence, he started his independent work from a small 6x10 little dress and property storage room in the great V Shantaram’s RajKamal studios. Two simple desks occupied the cramped space. He sat on one. His accountant on the other. Paper work, posters, at times dresses for the artists of his film were stored within that room. He and I would spend hours in that little space talking film, scenes, stories, shooting issues and just a lot more. He rose from there by shear dint of his talent and hard work and built, in the most central commercial area of Mumbai, on acres of land, the most modern and well equipped studio that the film industry has seen to date. He did not just sell beautiful dreams, he created them too in reality. From an ordinary apartment in a high rise in Pali Hill, he created his own home in Juhu, a minute away from mine. The times spent there, the wonderful and fun filled evenings, the sessions of story and music in his ‘gadda room’, the Holi celebrations, the rich events which gathered eminent artists, the sumptuous meals that he and his wife Pamela cooked for us … just such a vast collection of memories …
I have just one regret with regard to him. For some months lately, he had been calling and telling me to drop by in the early hours of the morning as I returned from the gym for ‘just a chat - no work, no issues, just a chat’. I had promised him that I would, and I never was able to.
As I sit back in his remembrance I wonder if this was another premonition that he may have had of his departure. Of his limited time …
My mind is filled with hundreds of private and personal moments that we all spent together during this large association with him. They shall ever remain stored within us and like all other memories shall give value and belief to what we shared together ….
The greatness of those that dwell in the world of film is that they shall ever leave behind a legacy of their work, talent and creativity, but very few shall be privy to the pain and joy of personal accomplishment … or … who knows … perhaps the legacy may have already been documented ….
Yash ji, your contribution to the millions that had the privilege to witness your creativity shall be immortal … may we all savour it till our end …
First off, I am well and in good shape. I should have known better what the Ef goes through when I mention my condition. My comments require restraint and care in its deliverance.
The day starts leisurely these past few .. it feels good at times to not know where or what I am supposed to do. There is work of course, and there is desire to complete it, but ..
I am still struggling to get across to my mobile messages to clear my phone and to get it operational again. I am also finding walking about my own office area without tripping on a gift so lovingly and with such care presented to me, a little painful. I must respond soon and I would not want to give the job to any other but myself … so I find time gradually and with patience to start. But the enormity of it all becomes a deterrent and I sit back passing it on to another day …
My added attraction is for the FaceBook too. I find time to attend to it in some prominence. The time consumed there as I learn its operations is taking a while. Soon I hope I shall be able to overcome that and be back giving sufficient time to all on all platforms …
Tomorrow is Ashtami and the prayers shall go up for Durga Ma, the destroyer of evil, and its celebration after its victory over Mahisasur. The Rama Krishna Mission holds prayer meetings every year and a sizeable Bengali community attends it religiously. I shall too with Jaya. Of course these celebrations of Puja, are seen to be believed, in Kolkata. The entire State shall virtually come to a standstill. The pandals for the Goddess Durga shall be reverentially put up at all important locations of each community corner. Clothes and custom and ritual shall take over. Special songs shall be sung and composed for the occasion. Huge cultural programmes shall be conducted. The festive season shall continue for a good week to almost two weeks. Bengal shall be drenched in devotion and celebration ..
Much as Maharashtra is during Ganpati … the North is during Dashera and Diwali .. Gujarat is during Navratri …
All festivities shall carry meaning and purpose, social goodness and prayer and the joy of celebration from the young to the old, from the lesser mean to the more .. each shall have equal proportions of it, without discrimination ..
Equality and equanimity shall prevail among all …
I wish we could have such celebration each day of our lives … the world would be such a celestial destination .. it still is .. but in spurts and gasps … !!
Let us not be swayed by those that profess more than what we imagine about them .. they are indeed limited in their thoughts, words and deeds …
Indulgence in one may lead to the indulgence of another … but variance in intensity or its diversification, may lead us to nowhere land ..
Perfection shall be held by them that perceive imperfection till they see it … after that it is milk in water or water in milk ..
Lie cuddled in softness of immaterial propulsions … lie beyond and reason their imperfections … but lie in goodness and deliver the strength of ones energy …
Shutting one’s mind and heart and volume in consecrated bilge, would be human wonder … but bilge at times spells ‘ebgil’ or ‘begil’ or even ‘libeg’, which in dictionary parlance does not exist … what ever else did you expect from that which reflects bilge …. !!
I am one in one … not two or three or fifty .. there are, though, those that are … they know best how they must fathom multiples .. I have had problems with mine …. !!
Storage disproportionately and with random ease, shall occupy and fill … but shall never that, which needs occupation in designated region …
My dressing gown does bear the burden of its hanging on peg … when worn shifts it to body … does the peg come along …. ??
Light and shade and form, form design … design, that flourishes in its presence when adorned by special care and construction … would it then cover the body less if its prêt á porter were to be non aligned ..??
Are they in category of fools that silence their mind in presence of many for fear of embarrassment, not to self but to the other ..
Blatant honesty can only be blatant … desire alteration to suit its convenience, and lose its potency …
A roar that disturbs the skies, disturbs the mind as well .. but for those that ride upon it, its continuity ensures safety …
A quick glance at the timepiece of long times past, does indicate the paucity of time … we expect more of it, not knowing that in 400 million years we have indeed moved from 21 hrs of the day to 24 … wait for another 400 million ? Not ___ likely !!
Retire then with hurt … repair and reappear … when you get back it fears the opposition … but that is what had been envisaged in the first place hadn’t it … ??
Swing back on chair of long, to avoid staid posture, pain and stricture .. but why just chair .. swing back on life too to obtain similar result …
I talk too much in abbreviated staccato .. there must be reason … i know of it … do you ??
" I do not write for a select minority … nor for that adulated platonic entity known as ‘The Masses’. Both abstractions, so dear to the demagogue, I disbelieve in. I write for myself and my friends and I write to ease the passing of time. " ~ JLB
How ever did JLB discover what has been already discovered by mine own self. It is at times a wonder how feelings and thoughts fail to differ from any other. We are not aware of it when we indulge, but on a sudden turn of time and moment, confront it quite by accidental reckoning ..
Many would find ulterior fault in what is expressed ; make it light and somewhat accusatory. The passage of time in particular would brighten the eyes and the expressions when there is concern for my late hours. But to some extent the awareness of the clock or the ringing of the chimes does not distract thought that comes rapidly to ones single finger pressing. The complete immersion of the mind in what is ruling the state it is in, in a sense takes over. Surroundings circumstances be damned. Scant respect is given to it. The choice of words, its expression and finally its deliverance on the page of choice is what prevails.
It may be of interest to many to know, that the absence of an agenda prevails seconds before the post to be written on, opens its blank and receptive heart. What goes in next is what comes to thought at moment, not perceived or apprehended. Even as I express the conditions right now, I do grope for the apt letters to be displayed before it actually takes form. This is the most fascinating endeavour of this exercise. Know not, be not, shall not, but shall …
A spasm of sudden appearance on the lower back, an injury during the many action sequences we did without care or precaution, keeps appearing every now and then to remind us of film and situation. How wonderful to have such as constant reminders. So, injury, has importance of place and time. And at times circumstance. It keeps us informed that we breathe and feel - that we live a living ! Without it we might just be comatose to an oblivious world. In some quarters, the hapless thought of being in company of ‘white bearded divinity’.
We need life to appreciate the divine. Is this reason enough to keep us in struggle and in years ? Struggle to find methods of existence, and while at it, to keep aside time place and dedication to prayer and construction and belief and ritual …
And so I write to fulfil a commitment. One that has been structured and designed by my instincts - an instinct which now has reached proportions that envelope others too. How beautifully this entrapment has occurred … ha ha ha !!
I laugh at myself, not at the cause of what has been done and followed. I laugh at the manner of matter. Of the sudden implications of reaching out. Many that live in the abstract understanding of my countenance, of being aloof to the point of arrogance and conceit, fail in judgement. Just because silence has been instilled within one, does not mean there is silent being in all other too. Other particulars. Other constructs. Most of the world lives and wrongfully embraces that which they imagine in their own limited capacity what the other could be or reason for the others attitude could be. They are ‘pea brained’ fools that decipher for others what they must first discover in themselves. Fault finding in the other is perhaps the most unimaginative and self destructing act undertaken by those who have the benefit of the greatest faults within themselves. They that express righteousness in them and a lack of it in the other, merely exhibit without knowledge, their own limitations - niggardly and grudgingly meagre ! They are not worthy of pity, for, that too would be an accomplishment for them !!
There has never been much harm in one for living in false hope and un acclaimed righteousness. They that do so are blessed with wisdom. A wisdom that no other but themselves seems to understand and put to practice. Let them that so do live within their own dimensions and borders of self contained parameters. How demeaning and limiting to build your own lines of control, and to discover that building boundaries has entrapped them without the knowing. Now too late to jump over and find release, or redemption …
Their complexities build over time that they spend in building their own. Of their own dissatisfaction and meaninglessness in their limitations. What a waste of time energy and disposition to be constantly devising means of causing discomfort for the other ..
Their own discomfort not withstanding they indulge in this because of their own distorted conduct … may they survive, may they prosper, for, in their prosperity shall remain the destruction of their own ..
Did I not read somewhere of that animal species that devours itself to exist … not knowing of course that they extinct themselves unknowingly …
The innocence of the ‘little one’, its curiosity and fixed expression on every little action which seems new to her - a fresh face, a painting, a color, a sound - the most entertaining moments of day filled with exaggerated lethargy ..
The home department says it is needed. Rest and relaxation after long hours of work needs that rest and sleep for recovery. What a magnificent body the Almighty has given us. It repairs on its own, given the time it needs to rest and slumber well .. I did and felt it ..
The gym was invigorating, the sun in the lawns of Prateeksha, though past the noon was a welcome delight and that quick nap while watching mundane visuals on the television, gave it that much needed quality in the voice ; an apt indicator of good and restful application … even though an alarming statistic gets you into a shade of worry. They say watching an hour of TV reduces 22 minutes of your life … guess it applies to those that have those 22 minutes left … mine is past that time now … !!!
But … getting to see Karan Johar’s ‘Student of the Year’ at night has been refreshing and filled with joy .. the young talent, the enthusiasm and vigor in their application, their faultless performances and the deft touch of a director who knows his craft backwards ..
The trial at YRF is filled with familiar faces … young superstars and those in the making .. catching them free from professional encumbrances.. laughter and casual with no bindings.. relaxed and with an air of the ‘person next door’ … such a delight … !!
A desire creeps in .. of being at their age again and to get opportunity to work along with them… to share their youthful exuberance and freedom .. their ability to bring light … not the luminous but just light .. it is difficult to explain … just feel it … each attempt made by this generation fills me with happiness and joy .. I like to be in their company longer, but they shy away, perhaps finding me incapable of temperament required .. sad .. maybe they find it odd that at 70 it is not the desired act they would accept from me … maybe ..
That is the tragedy of time .. or perhaps its genesis .. its formation in its beginning .. whatever .. I wish to be along with it … will I ever ??
I must find expression … and soon. It has been too long before the 24 frames per second rolled .. I wish it to be sooner now, instead of what has been planned …
Off with the paint … off with the costume … off with hunger and food … off to be on Blog and Twitter and Fb … this is desirable and needed .. I fret not, nor subject myself to unusual pangs of time constraints … I do and that is all …
Yes the work schedule is grim and taxing … but the psyche of will and the power of endeavor, is one that shall never fail us .. It is of merit to learn that no matter what the pressing desire, when space is made available there is nothing whatsoever, that can come between it and the completion of the undertaken ..
I sit in the peace of my home and wonder what it is that I should speak about or write …
Yesterday I was in New Delhi and in the company of our home there. The visit to my Father’s study, which has remained ever since his departure, in the state he left it in, is rewarding. In an antique shaped steel box there is discovered many letters of mine written to my Mother 45 years ago .. The writing was neater and well formed … lines remained straight and the content was much like a daily diary. I have brought it along to Jalsa and shall begin to unpack their contents and go back in time to their written.
Many of the family gems have disappeared without knowledge. Letters, pieces of hereditary importance, objects of art and an immense treasure of books … Would take me a lifetime to ever go through them ..
Somewhere and somehow the feeling of the presence of those that have left us, still resonates in each corner. I wish they would continue to be so forever. There is a peculiar joy and a sense of time and tradition when we come across writings through mail, of days gone by. You try hard to remember what the circumstances were, the location and the reason for putting down what was in fact put down. Blanks are drawn on most occasions, but the idea of the possession of something that was past and gone well beyond recognition and compare, is fascinating .. !!
One normally associates such moments of being prevalent in the time of retired bliss. The rocking chair or swing. The fireside environ as winter closes. Hot food and drinks. Silence of the world as you drift into another yourself. And then to be in the state till there is satiation ..
But do we ever get satiated … I would think not. We wish ever to dwell in the moments of the past, if we can, and then slide down memory most gently to associate the people of the time, clothes, expression and much more …
There is wanton desire to share all with those you feel shall maintain the dignity and value of our recently discovered documents, but perhaps the personal nature of the content shall in all probability be kept under lock and key, never to be seen or read till the subjects have been dead and gone ..
At times it is a fearful exercise, for, we are unaware what the contents shall unravel - a dejected life, a stolen moment of dissent and pain … perhaps that joyous aside among many other that would bring inadvertently, memories of gone by days and a wonder on where the others would be, what they would be doing and whether they would remember that carefree and integrated moment.
There is hope at times on a sudden meeting and what the reaction of the others would be … friendly hostile or a royal ignore .. just a thought on what it all meant. And then when nothing happens, retiring to our normalcy of today, disappointed and perhaps troubled with attitude … but never resentful …
I look forward to the time that I shall be spending with all that has been retained ..
In retention and in hope for the explanation of affection and love ..
Inundated with greetings and fondness … with the loving concern for the family … for continued affection and love … I remain in astonished wonder and devoted happiness ..
Family is strength .. it is collective branches of tree from a firm girthed tree trunk .. it is compassionate and reassuring, caring and collectively filled with concern … it is forgiving and resurrecting … forgiving and standing by ..
I am blessed that I have one .. and none other , for I need no more ..
The joy of progeny lingers throughout … its proximity and feel haunting, caressing and embracing all that depicts togetherness ..
Fill me O Lord with capacity to contain … for I wish to contain not just that which cometh my way, but that which when I search reveals itself to me …
I may not recommend … but I shall always recognise …
Love to all .. its early again tomorrow with travel and harsh schedule of work ..
The utter lethargy and delay in attending to many chores that one keeps pending for days, looking for that appropriate time to complete and attend to it, has destroyed all the plans of clearing up backlog …
Which is why it is wise to just get into the job, the moment it happens without giving it a pending designation. The pile up is so immense that after a while it destroys any intent of wanting to attend to it in the first place ..
But despite all the encumbrances, I shall attend to it and complete it … come what may !
There is a sense of determined duty when one speaks of such. It builds up into a decision which perhaps would not have been so forth coming had it been treated with some reserve. Saying it often seems pompous, but in a sense gives sufficient impetus to the completion and fruition of the job under review. Many and most would rather just get into it and do the job rather than make loud and overbearing remark of how they are going to do it ..
There is an attitude of great self aggrandizement .. of great impression that your importance perhaps shall get noticed substantially more when you shall make effort of showing it in your body language or attitude. How does one do this is a lesson I have never been too attracted by. But yet there are those that actually believe that the whole world stops as they enter a public arena, to notice them, and their acts …
I would rather shy away from it .. I would like to enter from the kitchen pantry and exit quietly from there if I were to have my way. There is a peculiar sense of ‘watch me how great I am’ among many, after they reach celebrity or public stature. I have often wondered how this phenomena finds its way into the nature of behaviour of particular individual. Or am I missing something here …
There are many though that accomplish this feat and with great positive result. Their way of life and thinking actually does bring them a sense of achievement. They do believe that it is the right way. I find it difficult to do so. I could be entirely wrong. But then that is the way I am. Many that speak of me and about me, talk of self imposed deliberate humility to score. I wish I knew how one scores in life on such occasions. I would find it demeaning. For the others it would seem the obvious and correct way. May both survive with each opinion and expression … vive la difference !!
70 artists have painted their impressions of me on canvas for my 70th. Their works are on exhibition at the Nehru Art Centre and those that have seen it have exulted in appreciation. There are very rare film posters too before the time of computerised banners. They were all hand painted and so carry a rare presence. These too are on display and sale at the same venue. As I walk past these works of art and legacy, I am stunned by the amount of attention that has gone by in my representations, by others. It does not seem to attract my attention, but it does for the others, and so I leave it at that … what really remains are the efforts made by the artists and its incorporation in the aesthetic book titled ‘B70’ .. Posterity shall hopefully look upon this with some nostalgia and acknowledgement. As would I guess some of you that give interest in this direction …
A heart rendering speech by Anil Ambani at the 10th evening party celebration ..
AMITABH BACHCHAN turned 70 on October 11, 2012. Here’s a heartfelt tribute from a long time friend of Big B, ANIL AMBANI who, on the special day, draws parallels between the actor and Amitabha or Gautama Buddha, the spiritual master:
I wonder how many of us realise that there is a secret locked in Da’s first name – Amitabh - the clue to his entire being and persona. Amitābha – it is the name given to a celestial Buddha, worshipped from the 2nd century AD onwards in Asia, China, Japan and Korea, more than 60 per cent of the world’s population.
According to Buddhist scriptures, there once lived a great king by the name of Dharma-kaara, who renounced his throne. Due to his piousness and purity, and the good deeds accomplished over countless lives, he became a Buddha - and was bestowed the name, “Amitābha” — a word of Sanskrit origin, that means “infinite splendour and boundless light”.
A we reflect over the “infinite splendour and boundless energy” of the Amitābha we know – I think to myself: Can we all be faulted for imagining that he might be an incarnate of that same previous divinity? Look at his simplicity and humility. Look at the strength of his character and his unending virtue. Look at his serene and calm nature. Look at the generosity of his heart and spirit. Look at his youthfulness and freshness – how he finds new ways every single day to rediscover himself. Look at the joy, the knowledge, the inspiration he has brought to billions of people across the globe.
The movies, the TV shows, the world of entertainment – that is all only a medium. The content is his gift to all of us. See how he is loved every moment of his life by a teeming sea of humanity. See how his image is worshipped at a temple in South Kolkata to the daily chanting of the “Amitabh Chalisa”.
See how thousands of people religiously wait outside his Juhu home every Sunday evening to catch a few moments of his ‘darshan’. Could this be a mere human being? A mere mortal?“I” for one refuse to believe it. Da’s life has been a roller coaster ride of incredible contradictions: - exhilaration and despair - bouquets and brickbats - prosperity and hardship - peace and strife
Through it all, he has always, always retained the purity of a newborn spirit. It is for this reason I am certain,There is divinity in Da. He has come here as a modern day ‘avatar’ of a previous ‘Buddha’ - to enlighten and enrich our lives. If I were to talk about Da’s personal qualities, there is one special aspect of his loving nature that I have to talk about. Da’s love for his respected parents, Babuji and Ma - and the respect he has always shown to his elders.
I regard it as one of my life’s great privileges to have been at Da’s side, when he was nursing respected Babuji and Ma through their long periods of illness. I have been in to his inner world at that time. I have personally seen the endless hours of patient care and rare and undying love that Da bestowed upon his parents - even as he coped with his very personal grief and sorrow.
And, I have had the rare privilege, when Da’s time with the two people he loved and respected most in his life came to an end: - to be at his side; - to stand shoulder to shoulder with him on their final journey; and - to bid the last farewell at our holy shrines of Kedarnath and Badrinath.
What is so remarkable and special about Da is the fact that he does not limit this love and respect only to his own parents. Da is just a few years younger than my own mother, Kokilaben. It is a measure of his humility and his ‘sanskar’ that he has always treated her, as he has treated his own mother – referring to her as “Mummy.” To this day, whenever he meets “Mummy,” he touches her feet – much to her personal embarrassment, and this, even in the most public of gatherings.
People who know both of us - Da and me - wonder what is this special bond between the two of us? I myself sometimes wonder - what is this karmic connection between us? Frankly, I have no clue. All I know and care about is that, coming out from nowhere, I have had the privilege of being there in every special moment of Da’s life, for the past more than 30 years – that is, for more than half my life. I ask myself a question today:Is darkness the opposite of light? Is cold the opposite of heat? Not really.
Darkness is simply the absence of light. And, Cold is simply the absence of heat. And, I am simply the absence of Da. Respected Da - it is your seventieth birthday today, “Seven decades of a life lived and experienced as never before by any one”. In our culture, the number seven has a magical meaning. In music, we have seven notes of melody. There are seven colours that merge to form the white light. The yogis say that our beings are composed of seven chakras.
Our ancient Indian river system was known as the “Saptasindhu” — or the seven rivers. And, Vedic knowledge is derived from the “Saptarishi” — or the seven sages. At this age of seventy, the holiest of milestones: I consider you, Da, to be no less dazzling than the white light. I consider you, Da, to be no less enlightened than the “Saptarishi.” I consider you, Da, to be the eternal “Amitābha Buddha.”
We are all truly blessed to have you in our midst.With Blessings from my father in Heaven.
Jaya organised a painting exhibition of 70 of my paintings through 70 of the great painters of the country on the occasion of the 11th …
Held at the Nehru Centre at Worli it is inaugurated by Mrs Kokila behn Ambani, the wife of Dhiru bhai Ambani, the great businessman, who set up one of the largest business empires in the country in the shortest period of time ..
A book was launched on the 10th celebration called B70, containing all these paintings with their impressions of why they made what they did of me ..
Above is one such example of the quality of the work. The painting is the artists impression of what I may be doing when I am relaxing from work, and the dark image in front, is a separate metallic work of me on the KBC chair, done by one of our finest sculptors Arzaan.
It has been a remarkable idea of putting all this together, and I do hope that at some point of time you will get to buy this book and give your comments on it ..
I am as usual late by miles and must rest now … but tomorrow is a relative easier day and there is a mountain of work that needs to be done in the house .. most particularly acknowledging the emails, sms, greetings of flowers, gifts …
The phone is jammed with over 3000 messages clogged in … and I shall need to get down to relieving it from the burdon of storing such a vast number of messages, before it explodes !! Samsung beware ! You have been warned !!
The celebrations come to an end … the wheel of time moves on endlessly .. “main jahan khada tha kal us thal par aaj nahin, kal issi jagah phir paana mujhko mushkil hai ..”
Where I did stand on spot before, I be not there today .. t’will be difficult to find me here then for the tomorrow ..
A day has passed, another begins, and does become a day in the lives of others .. those moments pass by and disappear except in our memories and in the cyber of space .. it may not be possible to recover them during my lifetime, but when they do, and they will someday, its revelation shall become the invention of time. Those that shall survive legacy shall be the privileged ones to at some time witness and experience the phenomena of past glory and circumstance. I wonder then what it might convey to our systems. Systems that have for centuries lived and existed on the belief of erasure and that which has ‘passed on’.
The further the human mind and invention invade our beings, the closer they shall get to an avalanche of disbelief of the past. The tracks of thought deed and convention shall change, and I wonder if that shall lead to our confusion or a liberation !!
The human mind regulates itself to think of impossibility … and then goes about to make it possible … are we then the finest that have been created .. or perhaps the most backward .. are there greater aspects of intelligence, developed and mature, that have preordained themselves .. leaving us to begin at the beginning, to strive and accomplish what they have and had already done and perhaps dusted .. ??
I wonder why and what makes me think so ? Reflection ? Or mere juxta positioning of our thoughts because of the ‘haemoglobin in the atmosphere’ …. !!
Birthdays are a momentous occasion in the lives of all of us. It was no different for me yesterday. We get the love and affection of our friends and well wishers, but for me the most important has always been the care and blessings of our parents. They brought us into this world, they gave us the upbringing that made us what we are today, and for me it was a moment of pride to have paid tribute to my Father by the rendition of ‘Madhushala’ on that day …
Madhushala was written in 1933, when my Father was 26 years of age, and today as we approach almost 80 years of its existence it has only grown in its importance and popularity. The ballet that was put together as an interpretation of some of the verses which I sang in the same ‘dhun’ that my Father created, was an aesthetic delight. Choreographed by the very talented Mayuri and her dance troupe ‘NritaRuthya’, on a stage setting, with music arranged by my dear friend Aadesh Shrivastava, during one of our many mad night sessions at his studio, was by far the most stunning moment of the 10th. It was the best tribute that I could ever have paid to the memory of my Father.
Even though we had three floors of the Reliance Film City Studio and large areas of the reception region packed with guests, it became imperative that those that missed the first performance due to heavy traffic delays, were treated to another performance after dinner was over. When I do get the liberty and the permissions to display what it all looked like, I shall put them up for all to see. The magnificence of the entire evening - the reception floor with the dance square and music and superbly cut videos of my songs through the ages, playing through massive round about plasma screens and my endless posters, the theater area on another floor just a few feet away where Madhushala was staged, and finally the dinner region most exquisitely done up with the genius of Abu-Sandeep, was something that I have never seen before and its entire credit must go to Jaya for conceptualising it and bringing it to fruition … the icing on the cake being the first public outing for Aaradhya as she helped me with her tender soft hand in cutting the ritual cake. We refrained from singing the traditional ‘Happy Birthday’ and the blowing of candles. My Father had never approved of this practice, and had written a poem set to tune again by him which my Mother and my Father used to sing together at all such occasions. I recorded another song for the moment on the same ‘dhun’ that my Father created and played it to much appreciation at the time of the cake cutting.
In Hindu belief, the blowing off of the flame has always signified the end - of life ! Why then blow off the candles on a cake as we enter another year of life !
To me Madhushala has always expressed itself as a celebration of life ! Even in the darkest hours of our presence in the world, Madhushala accepting its being, found a joyous aspect to all that pervaded. The ballet had the briefing from me on this and was performed to perfection on it … with me joining in at the end expressing gay abandon with the dancers, despite the oppressive and sad realities of life. It has been a moment with me from the time of its recording that has brought tears into mine eyes, a moment when goose bumps filled me with the memory and the idealism of my Father’s philosophy - a philosophy which I hope and pray I can live and maintain for the rest of my living years … !!
Madhushala was translated into English by Marjorie Boulton a professor at Oxford University during the late 40’s early 50’s, assisted by the eminent Ram Swaroop Vyas, also studying at Oxford. In a foreword written by my Father for the book titled ‘House of Wine’ he ended it by the following words -
" This translation of my long poem Madhushala, is put forth in the belief that a good poem retains some of its basic qualities even in translation. My definition of a good poem is that it appears before you like a stranger who impresses you so favorably that you feel like befriending him, and the more you know him the more you like him.
Good wine needs no bush, good poetry needs no explanation.
I may never be able to endeavour an attempt at describing feelings that linger long after, the biggest moment of your life flashes by. But I can endeavour and attempt at describing, what it means and feels to be the receiver of a raging multitude of love, that has been pouring out at each turn of the ‘yantr’, the clock ..
Its called numbed choked and tongue tied, in an attempt to define words or expressions, for such ..
Yesterday and this day must deserve but just one … an abundance of gratitude for all that has been done for a single individual by so many ..
I may need many generational changes and continued rebirths to be able to put thought into word. I may need many more blog posts to do justice to what I may call a most feeble attempt at acknowledging what this day has meant to me ..
When too many good things happen to one they place a dark black spot on the face of a child so she or he can be protected from the evil eye … I need several now, to protect me from ‘nazar’. I need to possess it with the same amount of thinking that went into its making ..
I am indeed overwhelmed, swamped and submerged … and i shall need sufficient time to be able to give it expression ..
My words of gratitude and thanks shall only sound like weak wimpers of a trapped animal, or a battered and defeated adversary .. and so must I refrain from its use … or refrain till I can summon up sufficient courage to put it all in correct perspective and worth ..
There comes a time in the lives of all when we become oblivious of who and what we are .. of being unable to understand the depth of our existence, our nature, our demeanour, and our act .. we are mortals with limitations, yet we seek forever that elixired potion which shall perhaps make exception and give us immortality.. nature shall not permit that, which is why divinity makes in roads to occupy that empty space .. and to exist with us perpetually ..
But there are some that desire through their contribution to work, life and its beauty, a wish to leave something behind that can become immortal by those that follow ..
I follow my Father and his contributions not just to my life, but to the lives of others, in what he contributed … and I consider the most important task of my life to continue his legacy … at least for the benefit of my immediate generation. There is pride and respect and the power of representation which overwhelms me. It is not a task in the real sense of the word, it is the expression of a dormant feeling, which comes but in the surge of its hidden emotion .. one knows not how or why it forms itself, but it does …
Many have argued the phenomena of divine intervention, the prevalence of the atma, the soul that escapes us all even after the cremation fires have reduced us to ash, or the buried beings that escape from within, to voluntarily prevail upon us without notice … many consider that imbecilic, yet many blindly follow and believe … do we have ready and referral proof of this extended phenomena, this rarity that pervades … I wonder if all shall have answer, but on being a victim of it, immediately crouch down on knee, in an expression of submission to that, which deems to be in possession of extreme superiority …
It is then from this, that belief in the godliness of all erupts, fills us with immense security and strength, tiding us over against all that stands as an adversary before us ..
They possess different names - Allah, Jesus and the many hued Gods of Hinduism, of the heavenly Guru’s of Sikhism and all other celestial presence … and they all preach and teach us the way to a heavenly existence …
Battles have been fought in as fierce a manner as possible .. and those that decorate themselves with all the required armaments of destruction, do indeed believe in their respective divine … the respective devines are remembered, before the act of eliminating the oppressor or the enemy … and in the final victory, yes it is the physical ability of the force that is acknowledged, but somewhere too the victory of one divinity over the other ..
But the divine has eternal legacy .. they are beyond a battle here or a battle there … victory against an adversary also counts, somewhat ambitiously, the victory of one divinity over the other … but how ?
Divinity is beyond defeat and elimination !!
What comes out as being victorious then ?
I would reckon it would be belief … our belief, or the belief of those that went into confrontation … those that succeeded, believed that their effort garbed in their individual belief, was victorious over the other, adversary or not ..
It would be difficult to believe that Hitler too would not have at some stage, prayed for a win. His defeat and his loss must be viewed as a loss of his belief … his divinity, if he did possess any, would remain untouched and unscathed … divinity should be such, else it would stand to lose the faith of billions …
My belief demonstrates certain values, which may differ from the other, but would remain devoted and dedicated to that one divinity that is all pervading … faith and belief should be universal .. but is it really !!??
Ami a very happy birthday for yesterday … many good wishes form us all and may the Almighty look after you and that you treasure ..
Tumpa Ghosh .. to you a most prosperous birthday, with every good wish for all the goodness in life ..
I am burdened with the pressures of my commitments … they seem insurmountable, but one plods along, putting on the best face and ability. On doing so, often, the task seems a great deal more gentle and kind. Tasks need to be performed. There is a certain beauty about them, a fulfilment that at times defies any other consideration. Until one gets down to it the realisation never dawns. Thinking about its possibilities and its uncertainties, can be ruinous at the very best. But wishing those fears away by merely a deliberate act of defiance, or one of positivity, brings within us a strange strength that never fails us. So much is said spoken and written about this aspect of ‘positivity’, that mentioning it today seems such a cliched expression or belief. Be that as it may, I believe it should be expressed within ourselves if not to the outside world. When all around us is morose and depressive. When the silence of each expression and the limp demeanor overpowers not just us, but others too, then shall be the time best suited for rapprochement ! We shudder at times on consequence, but are never willing to challenge it, merely at times to discover what the final result would be. It would either be good or bad. If good, then we have taken a positive out of such exercise. If bad then too we have taken a positive from the exercise - never to be experimented with perhaps.
I see both aspects in one reflection. A reflection that could be a cracked mirror, depicting two different images. But if looked carefully the images can coalesce to form one subject. A subject that may or may not require that proverbial crack down the centre !! A dent one may repair. A cracked mirror shall require a replacement. A portion of it is usable, but shall always remind us of the other that does not exist even though it did start off as one.
Life’s mirror needs completeness - unscathed, spotless and squeaky clean ! But does it ever . Images at times compliment each other, but most of us know its lateral inversion ; not all of which works well for everyone.
No one shall ever live life without blemish. A blemish which at times shall be seen and at times not. The unseen shall not protect one from all ills, for within us shall always fester the guilt of its presence, some of which we shall disclose and some that we shall take to our grave …
Belief is what makes us vulnerable to the others belief. Our trust determines the degree of our truth, within or without. But what of the others ? Our passport for such is just and only just our belief and nothing more.
I shall always believe my affection to all that adorn this platform … and even for those that do not .. equality should become my cornerstone and one that I shall respect, despite any alternatives that may drift about. The one that belies belief is the one that should worry, if at all .. I must not or one must not wait to unravel the other … there is enough on our plate to devour in a lifetime … think then of the world without fear of blemish … that is a constant which shall be visible to both us and the other .. rectify or make endeavour to rectify your own, and ye shall find that the other diminishes in its value ..
Better yourself first before thinking of why the other has not. The circle of life shall move about and around you. Sadly most of us believe that the circle moves around the other, and that is what disorients us …
Better then yourself … the other shall better themselves too …
My love and my affectionate wishes for all in betterment …
A Sunday meeting with all the well wishers gone astray .. the time taken by KBC was far too long and I feel like a lost child on not having the opportunity to greet the audience that gives me so much attention !
But KBC is a great leveller ..big or small they all come with hope and expectation .. a fulfilment of dreams that they have nurtured for many many years. When they fail I feel the failure myself. There is a great dark and deep opening which refuses to close within. It is as hurtful and depressing as perhaps the feel of the contestant that has to walk away from that hot seat empty handed … or having lost a great mount after gaining much .. but such is the game that it can become a life changer for one and can dash hopes of another ..
It has been a long day … starting with 2 episodes of KBC, followed by a quick visit to Aadesh’s studio to record songs .. and tomorrow it is an early morning call again …
All the antennas of the family are up and there is great consternation about my hours of work .. but that which has been given confirmation, must be completed and done ..change brings in that extra energy that is needed to complete the day .. and no matter what the nature of the work may be, I have always observed that a different vocation or its pursuit soon after a gruelling day with one, gives sufficient force to continue working ..but yes .. there has to be a limit to all and this needs to be controlled …
My apologies then to all these rather simplistic blog posts day after day .. but I mat assure you that it shall not remain for long .. a break is due and that shall give me the time to concentrate on more than what is being done now, for the Ef ..
Good night dearest ones … and may god bless you always …
Daisy … a happy birthday to you … happiness always and the love and affection that you so deserve .. may your life remain healthy and with blessing ..
The innocence of the little .. oblivious to all that goes on deeper … just the joy of discovering, little flowers, objects of strange bearing .. mumbling and squeaking works which only they understand … may not make sense to us .. but understood and of value to them and their world of un corrupted thoughts … such a bright state to be in .. one wishes for them to be in such, before the big bad world takes over their lives .. protective we are, but never enough .. the effort being to give them all that upbringing that parentage demands .. the basics, the important and the essential .. and then to be left to see how much they imbibe and carry through … children .. our lives and our world .. we bring them into this world, and we feel responsible for their growth, their life and what they make of it .. it must be the most important duty of all parents .. what is taught now remains a lifetime with them !!
An off day has passed by with such speed that it is now time to turn in early, looking at the coming events and the work that precedes it. One wishes that time would stand still for a while, to live and enjoy the glory of a moment, but it never will. Even as we involve ourselves in one the other thought keeps playing .. but at the end the mojo takes over .. and keeps us in good spirit ..
Music stills the mind … and an evening spent with Aadesh at his studio near by is always enlightening. We have similar feel for most of what we produce .. perhaps it is the earth where we were born that plays importantly ..I still long for that moment of solitude and practice at the instruments that shall occupy my mind and time for hours in learning ..
Maybe it shall come when the time is free and the desire to simplify work comes through .. work though is never simple .. the day it is is the time we need to think of another … work must drive us not us it .. perhaps all may not agree, but for me it does .. maybe in oder to get to the stage of us driving it, would be more appropriate if we first succeeded in getting work .. and for that a different set of principles and time frames would be required .. but that initial struggle is most rewarding and of great definition .. it exhibits our vulnerability, weaknesses and failures, only to be winning over them in time and place ..
Many ask for those early days of my struggle and the disappointments and rejection it brought, now to be looked back on them that did so, and seek retribution .. naahh !! immature to indulge in that ..they cannot be blamed or held up for it .. how on earth would they know of your caliber, until seen … and seeing it takes time and experiment, none of which they have at that time … so … look beyond .. yes notice them and if of some attention seek them and let them see your capability now and address it themselves rather than rub their faces in the mud .. it is not just happening to you, it is happening to several and all others like you … so you are not alone in space .. you have company, and company builds strength and resilience … in the days that are to come later ..
Blessings of all remain with me throughout … that is my worth for the struggle, if at all it can be called that ..
An ode to Ma Durga, by dancers specially from West Bengal, adorn the KBC stage at the start of the day, and their movements and story telling capability brings a loud cheer among the audience today, as we start the day of work ..
Some most interesting contestants come up from the bunch of a new lot, that fight for position on the FFF question and then emerge a winner for the Hot Seat …
But the most interesting part of the evening is the wait to pick up the ‘little one’ from the airport as she arrives with her Mother from Chicago after spending some time with her Father, who shoots for ‘Dhoom 3’
There is now media at the airport when leaving and when arriving. And it does not need rocket science to discover how they are able to be there at the right time - the passenger manifesto !! It has now become a part of our existence, and happily do we accede to their demands. We really have no other choice …
The ‘little one’ looks up from her capped hiding in wonder as to where she has landed, takes a glare at me behind the wheel and drops off to sleep as the smooth driving lulls her into her slumber !!
I am attracted to this word - slumber. It has been avoiding me for some time now, so methinks I shall give it the honor it deserves and retire ..
I have much to say but since tomorrow is an off day, with relatively less work, I shall come back with you again ..
Dearest all, there are some prayers and good wish tidings needed for our Ef in troubled times and we put our hands together for their well being :
Subhash Kaura’s wife is ill and we need her to get well and active again, so our prayers for her.
Anthony Goveas undergoes a surgery, for the first time and as I write I learn he is out of the OT with the doctors of the opinion that all seems to have gone well. We all send our speedy recoveries to him ..
Kris Iyer : your birthday today the 4th of October and we wish you happiness, fulfilment and joy always …
We are but mortals that have life spans ; some of great distinction and others of not such. When our time ceases earlier than expected, the soothing comfort of the words that express that the Lord had felt it was no longer needed to suffer humanity and earth, and that it was time to come back to Heaven, that the reason for your existence here was over, that all that was expected or needed from individual was sufficient, is spoken expressed and dinned into us till we begin to believe, almost in consonance with that now famous Goebbellian strategy of repetition till its falsehood even, begins to sound true.
For those that get blessed with age and of some distance of it, are felt as those that were taking a longer time than expected, to complete the task that they were sent out for. These were what we were and are often governed by, by those who seem to possess, all that Godliness seems to have provided us with.
At some stage in the longevity of our life, comes in the debate of immortality. One may be associated with a deed that in abstract terms could make us immortal, ergo, one that may keep us remembered for time immemorial. In practical terms however, belief in immortality is generally associated with heavenly powers, not in the ad infinitum longevity of the human. That does not happen. Would it then be safe to assume that the shorter term in ‘office’ is greatly more blessed than one that takes forever to ‘turn in’.
At times such argument disturbs me.
I have been for the last few days meeting all and every media, at interviews that address my oncoming birthday. It is done with the purpose of not having to meet them on the day and save time, in conducting other activities. I wonder still if this shall actually happen, but the intention is clear and honest.
In all the questioning that has invaded me, there has been, among the more generous and grateful comments, the question of mortality ! There is a constant refrain on the age now reached, the amount of work that I do, and how and where I get the enthusiasm and energy to exercise it. My responses to that have been simple and honest. I do not know either !
There are commitments that I take on and feel the obligation to complete them as per the directions of those that direct and produce for me. And if the body, despite its various and varied complications cooperates with me, I stride along to see it to its end, in the best way that I feel I know, I can. This is not a wonder for me, and neither is it dependent on some complicated scientific research that I have been subjecting my body to. I am a human, prone to all the benefits and discrepancies that humans go through, physically and mentally. If and when those setbacks have floored me to horizontal state, I have lain there quietly and taken the hit before getting up, albeit a bit wobbly, before the count of 10. I do not possess any secret potion glimmering in a bowl, under the watchful eyes of a hooded old enchantress, that mumbles rhythmic inanities, with the subtle rubbing of hands, and the eye shut head movements, skywards !
The repeated questioning often gives me impression that they either do not appreciate such state of mine or are keen for me to stop. The problem however is that were I to stop they would question why I did so. And vice versa !
In the end therefore, there really is no answer that needs to be given at all, on this count at least, for, if I may assess correctly it would eventually lead to the inevitable matter of mortality.
We may not necessarily believe in the theory of ‘having finished our task’ and therefore the need ‘upstairs’ before time. But for some the end does come strangely and at odd hours and times … and who shall and will explain its reason … !!
A few days away from 70, talk such as this may seem ominous and unwanted. Perhaps it would not be ethical for those that question to ask such. But they do. The freedom to ask shall lie with them ever. The freedom to reply to it or not, shall ever remain with us. Long may this difference lie and exist …
"The happy man is not he who seems thus to others, but who seems thus to himself."
Magdalena responds on the Blog in her own understanding of the previous days writings, with the above words. They seem such innocent words by themselves - ‘happy man who seems to others, is not until he is happy with himself’ …
Are we then really happy within, or do we, much like what has been expressed in the quote, by someone of eminence, putting up a happy face just to seem to others ! How often do we really linger with such thought, and why. Is it just because it comes from an experienced source, or does it actually betray a finite opinion through years or perhaps centuries of presence, revered and believed with some sincerity.
I often wonder when I come across such words of wisdom, how it is for those that dictate or write them, to believe that this is the final truth expressed. As time passes, these ‘beliefs’ could go through a fundamental change, in thought word and deed. What then ? When the very construct of the thought will be put through change, how do we then expect that other such proclamations would not go through the same routine.
I would like to believe that when such expressions were thought of, the writers would never be aware of whether their expressions shall get immortalised, and if so for what length of time.
We have some of the most regressive proverbs and adages written that are adorning the pages of either dictionaries or wisdom books, which would always be referred to as the ultimate informer. Much like what Google has become nowadays. We seldom question Google, for it has become the epitome of information, rightly or wrongly.
One of the prominent proverbs in the Hindi book of Proverbs has one of the most regressive words attached to it, such as …
" Dhol, gawaar, shudra, pashu naari … yeh sab taaran ke adhikaari "
the dhol or drum, gawaar the foolish unintelligent village bumbkin, shudra the untouchable caste, pashu animal and naari, women … they are deserving of a beating !!
I am unaware in which era such thought existed, but in todays times, it reeks of garlic from every pore - it stinks ! Such thought shall never find space in modern India society, or indeed in any part of the human world. But there it is, in the books of reference, for posterity, and perhaps for misuse !!
Such thought would be absolutely unacceptable in todays world, yet I do know that in the interiors it may well be a practised norm. The atrocities against the girl child are known to all, yet very little is done to curb it. We hear horrendous stories on how the girl in the family is maltreated, abused, at times looked upon as a curse. Dowry given or taken is now a criminal activity under law. But does it really be, practised. It is still creeping in in all marriage associations in some parts of the country. The desire for a male heir is the other most grave social disorder. On KBC the other day, it is still to be broadcasted perhaps, we had on the Hot Seat a brother who is looking after the daughters of his sister because she was unable to give birth to a male child even after 8 pregnancies, and when maltreated after, was driven to commit suicide ! What kind of a world do we live in that thinks such !
On KBC again, a young girl driven out of her parents house, because it was a ‘waste of money’ to spend on her, gathered courage from her Mother, who took a large amount of loan to educate her, and after waiting for 12 years finally made it to the hot seat, on her own ability and learning, won a substantially large amount of money, and when asked what she would do with it, replied - ” I shall give it all to my Father, to prove to him that a girl is also capable of bringing value to a family ” !
These are the most emotional moments in the life of a contestant, when he or she shall come up and face not just an intimidating game show, but also an entire universe where she or he shall be sharing her decrepit background and the circumstances that they had to go through in their respective lives.
And in spending time with them, if I am a small catalyst in projecting their stories and thoughts to the rest of the world, I shall consider myself of doing my good deed for the day !
The happiness that seems to others on observance, may not necessarily be the true feel of the individual. The truth lies in its own happiness within. That happiness within, is at times a distant dream, that finite and perfect column made of some material unknown to mankind, luminous yet without light, upright yet capable of bending, shifting in its location from place to place, like that granite block which keeps appearing from planet to planet displayed so beautifully in Stanley Kubrik’s ‘2001 - Space Odyssey’, its lines and structure without blemish …
Can our lives too be perpetually devoid of blemish ?? I doubt very much. We each have our own personal evils to take care of. Our outward appearances of happiness therefore, could well be that aesthetically covered falsehood, when the inner happiness is still being searched for …
Under the skilful patronage of that unknown force, which guides and conducts us, may we submit ourselves completely. For, it is that, which shall be knowledged enough of our true happiness within ..
A cheer goes up among some as they learn of the possibility of the Blog coming up on decent timings and that the rest required shall be substantially earlier than usual …
I am gladdened by this observation and am rushing as always to live up to the expectations of the many .. ‘live up to expectations’ ? a term which I often use in the million or so interviews that are lined up in the precast of the 11th … my expectations are those that be the expectations of those that show affection to me, and in interview after interview, this matter does keep coming up - how does it feel to be 70, what do you attribute your energy at this age to, you need to slow down is an oft repeated phrase and desire of many, how has life treated you so far, what is the one thing you wish you had done or have now, how much longer are you going to work, what are your regrets in life ….
I am blessed to be born where and how I was, by the Almighty. I am blessed to have the blessings and wishes from my parents and I am consumed by the blessings of those that have shown immense affection to me - my well wishers and fans or followers. My desire ? That I be capable of living up to the expectations of those that love me and for those that put their faith and trust in me.
Yes there are many anxieties that pursue me. Issues and problems of a more personal nature. But to say that problems exist to just a few is entirely wrong. We all have our worries and moments of despair, and we all struggle to overcome them day after day. I can be no different from any other. They garland me with accolades and epithets that speak of extreme eminence for me. That is a laugh. Do not construct adjectives around me ; I am merely a noun !
What does Amitabh Bachchan think of Amitabh Bachchan, they ask. That is as silly a question as any. How can you assume that this pedestal you have put me on without my permission, is worthy of becoming a fetching statue in marble or stone or some metallic element, which now needs to be commented upon by a living human who in existence is the same character ? You paint me in different hues and colours of the rainbow, and then wish me to describe how I became part of the rainbow. You construct and then you inquire what is the building like. Surely, if you construct something the material used would be of value and understanding for you. You cannot pass on the onus to me. I was never a part of it ; never shall be.
You are an icon, a legend, a superstar , what more is there left for you to achieve, or what other title is there that you wish to be named as. What ?? Who made these tags, who repeatedly designed and brought it to the notice, who believed that this is the glory under which I am to exist … you did ! Not me. I have never believed or even remotely considered mentioning such abominable expressions to describe myself. I am merely Amitabh Bachchan, another name, another individual, another human, an actor by profession with limited and most mediocre capabilities. Do not put such acknowledgements against my name. I am least deserving of them.
Everyone aspires to be like you, to follow your example, to idol worship and to maintain you as their role model. No, please do not do any of the sort. There are more legitimate and qualified that need such attention. Leave me be, to be what I be. That is all.
There are more encounters tomorrow and the morrow after, on similar territory. I shall attend them and adhere to questioning and remark. Inside of me I shall make my own observations and comments. I shall speak as must I do, for that is an obligation that has my concurrence ; it shall be complied with .. but beyond that must be the honesty of my self being …
Good night dear ones .. happy and fulfilling dreams ..
A burst of thunderous rain followed by huge rumblings and lightening flashes, welcomed the somewhat desolate evening here in the city, recovering rapidly from the ‘visarjan’, the last and the biggest day of it, a day before. It has been customary and almost tradition predictable that the last rain of the season takes place on the final day of the Ganapati ‘visarjan’. This year it was defied. There was no rain whatsoever ! Could this then be a missed timing … nature setting its clock a day ahead ! Who are we to know !
But stories such as these, once started begin to bear a finality in our lives and soon enough become legend. Do most of those that propagate belief and the stories around it, do some wrong, or are they unaffected by time and place and circumstance. Many myths and deliberations that surround such conversation, would be likened to perhaps a story that could have been woven at the time of its presence. But the strength of belief - be it religious, moral, social or professional - does bear some resemblance to the time of its first formation. How did belief begin. What made it imperative for others to follow. Was it the culmination of unanswered queries. Was it the numbers that attracted one to it - if they are doing it why not us, syndrome - what ??
Requires a much deeper study to ascertain the philosophy and the meaning behind a great number of such questioning …
But .. before all else, I need to tell all, of my physical condition and my medical exploits .. they are sound and presentable. The drugs have been gradually working and there is an improvement in the condition, albeit slow in nature. I am grateful for all your prayers and care and love that you send for my well being. And I am certain that all of that has been largely responsible for my recovery. Let me say then in more practical terms, the fever is down a bit, the head is fuzzy, the body active and responsive, but long silent moments are making me nod off !!
The face and the body seems filled with normalcy, but the eyes still nurture the fever .. do you not think so ? I certainly do !!
The day has been filled with interviews both electronic and print … and the questioning has been related to the 70th that comes up soon. What a lot of fuss and unnecessary attention to just another figure of a year gone by. But to some it has meant a moment that needs remembrance and documentation, or perhaps in some cases archival value. So one concedes !
I do enjoy the rest, as has been so generously recommended by the Ef. And I do feel the need for a great deal more of it. But some works too are important and having paid attention to it I shall of course follow instructions …
Asha Parekh celebrates her 70th today and had invited us over for a celebration in her honor. Met some old colleagues of mine, now bearing up with the ravages of time, similar I daresay with the passages of time that have had effect on me as well.
I shall end today on another disappointing note .. never feel fulfilled until I have shared or written more … but perhaps with time all shall be on course again
Jalsa , Mumbai Sept/Oct 30/1, 2012 Sun/ Mon 12:54 AM
Shubhi a very happy birthday to you … love success and prosperity in all that you do !!
Listless and lethargic .. and fuzzy in the head .. walking around in a state where nothing seems to attract your attention .. cannot remember where I did come from, or where I went .. normally awake to the progress made in reaching particular location, I ask in a daze from the chauffeur, have we reached ? Even when the event is over and I am home … keep sitting in the car not realizing that the staff waits for me to emerge, to give instructions .. sad state !
But funnily enough there is strong desire to perform even in these restraining circumstances .. perform duty, catching up with family and importantly the connection with you .. I am certain if the wife were to learn of my present, she would burst a blood vessel ..
It is but now an irresistible favorite recipe almost, that brings pangs of hunger on learning that time has cometh for us to talk with each other ..
A million interviews tomorrow … all leading up to the DAY of 11th … say no to one and bear the consequences of the others … say yes to one and bear the consequences of the others … for some reason however, there seems to be a certain genuineness in their requests this time round … the 70th does not come again and I guess it makes sense to put on record what one feels .. though I wonder what it is that they would want to know now - I have indeed put in all in a zillion meetings before …
I do not wish to leave you, but I know I must if I need to survive tomorrow’s onslaught ..
Do forgive me for this … and hopefully there shall be recovery tomorrow and a greater sense of communication between us ..