Isles of Britain in London May be the 14th or the 15th of 2013 at a time which began before but ended later 12 :50 Am gmt
@SaharGazeran from Iran.. 14th May birthday ..wishing you all the love and blessings for the year and many many more years to come … love from us all ..
Amit Sangani goes in for surgery today 14th … all prayers for him ..speedy recovery, and successful medications .. in prayer ..
And may the future generations, build to remain fore fronting all that the elders may have. Keep ahead, keep before, keep not abreast but visibly greater and bigger …
For that is the wish of all that bring to the world continuity and perpetuity !
Cannes invites tomorrow and the quotient of palpability surges .. to touch to be felt and perhaps to bring for posterity, that small insignificant presence for the generation that follows …
There will and cannot be great accolades in an arena which is dominated and rightly so by an empire that will remain alien to a majority of us, in our part of the world. A tribute paid through a retrospective in Paris, a solo performance at the prestigious Theatre du Champs Ellysees, a landmark recognition in the sea front city of Deauville, the commentaried Oscar Award winning documentary March of the Penguins, the subsequent medal of honor by the French Government by decorating me with the Legion de Honor … “Ordre national de la Légion d’honneur”, created 1802 by Napoleon Bonaparte, as Commander in category … and on …
But there is scant knowledge of all among many .. a pity ! However, the progeny registers it and that is all that matters. And yes, along with them the very dedicated and devoted Ef ..
These citations however register what the others thought of calibre and deserved recognition. The onus of all that must rest with the person concerned. He or she must feel the justification … else its value shall remain with others, and that does not always translate into value !
We talk today of the classics and the worth of those responsible for creating it for the world to witness, yet when it was time to decorate them we never did. All creativity the world over, be it music, art, cinema, painting, architecture has unfortunately, faced similar societal divorce. It has become a norm, that has denied the one person who needed its lauded glory.
Media, that great instrument of record, has to some extent kept the flag of necessary documentation flying, but perhaps at half mast on most occasions. The point could perhaps be put to debate, but the fear is, that that too shall be monitored and stored through the medium of them, that conduct it, giving rise and position to bias. What transpires next is even more discomforting. Knowing the predetermined outcome of such practice, those connected disconnect. For them all that matters is the moment and the process that they went through, despite and in spite. And there is genuine joy and happiness that the interference from without, has been either out casted, or insulated from.
Those that had the gall and the accumen to put it down to posterity in writing or in book documentation, were honorable people. They left behind a gentle question mark. But those that did not, well, just did not. Hundreds and thousands of precious lives have been lost in futile wars and battles for supremacy, nationality and the protection of land. How many do we remember, how many to we decorate, and how can we know the stories of those who fought silently and sacrificed themselves on the alter of patriotism. A memorial shall be built, protocol and pageantry shall be diligently followed - the salute, the gun fire, the wreaths shall enlighten an important date in the history of a nation … and then …
To the freedom fighters a brass plaque in recognition of their ‘services’ shall be presented, perhaps without any feeling of respect. A stipend shall be announced for it, and never given. For that poor and desperate villager, inspired for the fight to protect his or her Motherland, all that he shall be proud of, shall be that piece of metal which he shall hang in prominence on the only wall of his dilapidated mud home ! He shall spend more time energy and funds to recover what has been promised to him through that monetary recognition. Many do not want the fund for their existence. They want it to register their contribution and its recognition to have been a part of the fight.
Those in charge of its deliverance, shall have other tales to narrate. They bring up the bogey of fraud. Of illegitimate and dishonest carriers of the freedom fighter badge. Of having done nothing, but posing as some who did, in order to gather the financials.
The world is made up of all kinds .. some ‘made up’ some ‘kind’ …
the Isles the Isles in constant Isles, London of May 12/13 of the yearly 2013’s with the timings of the dawn at 10 past the hour of 3 am at Greenwich Mean Time or that through which travels the zero longitudes
There are times in the days of our life when we wished we had what the other had. There are times in the days of our life when the other sits with more than what you have, and the realisation that you will never have what they have. There are times in the days of your life, when you wonder why they have and not you. There are times in the days of our life when, knowing what the other has can never be yours, that you begin to reconcile. There are times in the days of our life when you judge your presence in the presence of the other ; when you feel and realise the difference and if young enough not to be able to understand this social distance, do lament the fact of this ‘injustice’.
Youth and early years perhaps never drive our thoughts towards thinking of this ‘glaring discrepancy’ that is being meted out to us. We complain and question those that bring us into this world, as to why this has happened to us, why we are not on equal terms with our friend in the classroom, in college, at work and in our social circle. Many of us accept quite humbly that, that is how it has been fated. Many do not and revolt in their own way towards it. They either shun their company, at times cynically addressing them as that ‘superior lot’, or most often make them your closest, simply because you find great friendship qualities in them, or, and this is worthy of debate and perhaps too sensitive, you enjoy the accoutrements that shadow them.
But there are some that fail to succumb to all of the above and determine instantly the disparity, the want, the difference … and resolve to amend it. Amend it by immense power of will to never ever allow a situation of the others want and position. Of wanting to be not just like them, but to better their own standing, to be looked at the way, they had at a time looked at the other.
That is a resolve, a determined mission, a destination evaluated to be achieved. One that shall incentivate all energies in getting to it at all cost. And when achieving it to not merely dwell on it but to keep working at not just keeping it alive but enhancing it, each moment ; the insecurity of the past perpetually haunting our present !!
Those that have perhaps lived through generations of the ‘affluent’, may never allow such conditions to ever cross their settled minds. But those that have seen and experienced the inadequacies and wants of the past, shall.
An insecurity may drive one constantly, unrestful, wary and vulnerable in state. There is belief that the fear of insecurity could be enough to garner sufficient reason to continue in progress. There is also the mythic compulsions, if they can be called that, of what certain morals of life may have been instilled in us at early inductions.
The abhorrence towards greed. The worthiness of satisfaction. Of praising the Almighty for giving what He did, and not challenging it. Of acceptance, fulfilment, and the glory of having at least that which has been bestowed upon us.
Yet, there are some that refuse to rest on glittering laurels. Who take insecurity in stride, devour it, never permitting it to raise its uncertain Hydra Head, and with the belief and the strength of their confident ritualistic curricula, drive on in marauding fashion, destroying all recognised and practised documented skill, climbing and conquering the highest and the mighty, at times, yardsticks constructed by themselves, towards unreachable peaks of excellence, achievement and power of singular presence !
There are times in the days of our life, when we ponder and acknowledge this power. There are times in the days of our life when we ponder too on why we were unable to reach such achievement. Why some were made greatly more than us - prettier, better, accomplished, and with the means that we shall never have !!
And … when we cannot discover the righteous answers to all, we fall back on that one aspect of all our lives - the faith and the power of the ‘unknown force’, on the one that resides ‘above’ and watches and conducts us through the baton of his philharmonic, on ‘karma’ and the theosophy of it, on deeds of our life in the past life, the good or the bad, the evil or the sacrifice done …
What an easy way out of all that realistically rests within us all, in our hands and in our minds. We stop because we feel defeated. We do not pursue because we wrongfully accept our limit. We allow the other to overtake us, because we know that it has been ordained thus …
We shall fight the fight. Sweat the sweat. Attempt the attempts. And allow what we may have missed, to be dismissed.
Complexities shall and will exist, as must they should. There will be inequality and distinct distinction. The lesser shall always be in the awe inspiring, more. The bourgeoisie will ever find complexity in the elite and the class. That shall ever remain a constant, for some will ‘have’, and most ‘have not’ ..
But .. majority lies with the ‘have not’, and in all walks, majority rules. That then is the advantage. That then is the disadvantage of the ‘have’.
Pity not, nor ever make error of sympathy with the ‘nots’. That to me could be the most appalling and atrocious mis judgement.
A majority of life’s existence has been built brick by brick, by the ‘nots’. Look around you and see. Feel their presence about, for they have remarkable tales of how they ‘have’ now. If not by choice, at least by example follow them that did not tread the chosen path of lament, instead visit and ensure the proven path that they structured for the ultimate deed of survival and success …
There is however a matter of concern that must be addressed. The insecurity of inferior complex, gives rise invariably to the over indulgence of superiority.
Superiority complexes have the ugly habit of peeling off the tender skin of a festered inferiority.
May the effort and the labor of coming out on top ever be compelled to a brashness unbecoming of the acquired achievement. May they be Blessed that do and survive. It cannot form a recommended generalisation for many.
Those that achieve, take an earnest and pleasurable, honest look at their modest past. Some with humble pride, others with a certain disdain.
I would never be able to ‘look back in anger’. If all achievement were to be lost tomorrow, I would be happy and content with the lower middle class that I always have been. But then … this too is too presumptuous a thought - I need to believe first that I have achieved any, at all.
I share with you, all that comes to me when I talk to myself …
You have then occupied and inhabited me .. or so I strongly believe !!
Isles of B, London May 11/12, 2013 Sat/Sun 1 :10 AM gmt
adequately bow tied with Abhishek at formal celebration
… and adequately informally with Shweta …
The joy of being with my own … and 40 years of the film that started it all !
For today need I say more …honoured and blessed by the Ef that take immense pains to illustrate my pages and my life ..
Spending time with junior .. IPL, then Chelsea game … which was won fortunately … screaming and pumping in front of the Tv screen …Lampard making history by most number of goals … a record equalled first and then broken … crazy .. as if it could be seen or heard on the pitch !! Then another FA Cup final with the historic defeat of ManCity by Wigan, and winning the cup almost after 58 years apparently !! Goodness !!
And then he left … back to Mumbai … on a flight now …
Some friends call us out for dinner, and what an experience … walking in to the restaurant and getting greeted first by excited Egyptians, who express love and happiness and photographs to be taken … on the table, next an entire bunch of young girls from London of Indian origin … more screams and excitement and photographs .. soon after on the other side of the table, an excited couple from Saudi Arabia … more excitement and photographs … next to us then, another table, oriental in manner, and yes, more photographs … they from Indonesia … !! Dinner done and stepping out of restaurant … and … yes another whole group of young men and ladies from London and of Indian origin … even more photographs and exuberance and great respect …
Gosh !! Indian movies .. !!! Reaching out to so many and in such diverse regions … quite amazing !!
100 years of Indian Cinema … may it continue to be as attractive and popular in the next hundred !!
Setting up for Cannes now … with some trepidation .. I know not why, but yes … filled with wondered expectation … and a strong desire to run away from it all ..
If it were not for the presence of the promised Ef, perhaps I would have ..
Good night dearest ones … when you slumber in most parts, may you be pleasant in dream and wish ..
the isles of B, London may 10/11, 2013 fri/sat 1 :55 am gmt
I have company in the early morn … my son, my friend, my Abhishek !!
A joy as ever to sit and be in the company of men talk, quality time, issues of future, family, decisions and just about everything under the clouded and wet city. Followed by a drive out … the boys are out … to destinations that cover us with design and couture !! This generation is greatly more aware of this part of the world, than many of us can even imagine, and they are so correct and validated. There is surprise in the numbered recognitions from those about, and not all from the Motherland. In fact no one from there. Cinema is becoming truly, the next door neighbour of most communities the world over. I wonder often where this shall all lead to … positive yes, and filled with pride and honour … 100 years it has taken us for this stage .. 100 years, the existence of Indian movies … from Dada Saheb Phalke and Raja Harishchandra to what prevails now.
Raja Harishchandra from our mythical and deeper stories and belief, the King that for honor and dignity and truth, sacrificed his son too …
the reference, adage, expression of justification for honor - a Raja Harishchandra ! You be good and beyond personal honesty and honor and you are a Raja Harishchandra. Often in our conversations, when personality that impresses with the qualities of honor, they become ‘raja harishchandra’ … a substitute reference for the pure !!
Narrating this to Baz Luhrmann during our lunch at his home in New York, what he repeatedly asked was the name ‘Harishchandra’ … quick to accomodate the most important aspect of any information or conversation, does Baz … his cause and reason for being in the category of genius …
The freshed and changed Face Book face page has an image taken by renowned photographer Dabboo Ratnani, for his yearly calendar. It was time said the team to change the first page and brought up this visual ..and I wonder why and how it converted my thoughts to what followed after - a few lines of pretended verse … but verse according to me … it may not sound the conventional, but were I to read it to you, it is hoped that it would .. VOG ? Bubbly ? … pity it does not work from here in the Isles, and there is frantic work being conducted to repair that. But till then, I am delighted to get the meaning across to my best :
The picture has several electric bulbs hanging about and my face in close with the ‘shades’ - as todays young refer to it, as opposed to ‘dark glasses’ in our time. There is one bulb that can be seen diffused , but lit, and another more in focus, in front of me, unlit ..
Hence the thought :
एक जला हुआ दीपक, धुंधला सा, पीछे,
नेपथ्य में I
one illuminated light, diffused, at the rear, behind
एक साकार , अन जला आगे …
one present, unlit, before me in front ..
देखता उसे मैं, ढकी, काली, नज़रों से
I watch it with covered, black eyes
क्या बुझ चुका ये भी
has this bulb been unlit too
या प्रज्वलित आलंकृत होगा कभी ….
or will it light up in glory again ever ..
जीवन का अर्थ मिलता ,
One discovers the meaning of life in
शिथिल निशब्द चित्रों में I
unmoving, silent pictures ..
क्या ये नहीं संकेत मेरे जीवन का भी …
is this not an indicator of my life too …
~ अमिताभ बच्चन amitabh bachchan
The black and white picture is symbolic of times in our existence - they are either black or white.
The diffused out of focus light bulb, lit, in the rear, is the physically descriptive, portion of my life - a phase gone by - of illuminated glory, now still, barely visible in its light, but in position behind, in the rear, without prominence …
The bulb unlit before me, being watched by dark covered eyes, indicative of not wanting to face the once prominent brightness … of the desire to hide the eyes … the eyes that speak and give away expression and feeling … the ‘shades’ giving false looks of betterment, exalted, prettier … as do all when they cover their face with the glasses ..
Looking at the unlit bulb - unlit, because the time for its lighting has passed .. it shall never light up again .. nor bring back the aura of brightness, in my life … the glory and the dazzle that electricity brings is now in the ‘nepathya’, behind the curtain, at the back … never to come up the stage ever …
Is this then not the story of my life … this picture ??
My love to you … you, that remain with the hope that the bulb shall come alive and bring back the light that has passed and is over …
British Isles, London May 9/10, 2013 Thu/Fri 2 : 30 AM
Dim dark lights, cozy cuisine, thumping music, gentle lamp candles, courteous service, a host of friends and … the birthday boy from Mumbai !
Celebrations on the 50th, and here in London ..
Laughter and camaraderie, hugs and air kisses, balloons and interesting menu wares, decorations at the TRAMPS … the ‘it’ place many years ago, probably still is … read about it , heard about it and finally in it tonight .. how life draws and withdraws !!
Difficult to open up in free and relaxed abandon .. the wife does .. a sport ..I sit back on my chair and mind the ‘clutches’ and ‘bags’ of the ladies … fun !!
Driving through the streets and stores earlier there is a marked presence of the film ‘Gatsby’ .. tie ups, special screenings, wares of opulence decorating the show windows .. anticipation and expectation for the release ..
Some of the Ef stationed in all parts of the world post various reviews of critics .. they sound positive generally … no one is unanimous, or similar in opinion .. guess their talents would be tested if they were .. I am surprised that they even mention me .. some and most complimentary, the odd singular lamenting my casting … wonderful to find that they even consider saying so .. never mind if you are written about, mind if you are not .. an old adage that surmises the creative art .. we have lived long enough with and without it .. it is a job for one, an opinion for us by another .. the refrain must remain and exist and prosper .. how else would we ever know what the mirror fails to, each morning ..
So happy to see you notice and acknowledge Shweta .. she went away to be with ill relative in New York .. the other, Abhishek on a plane to London now .. family by your side uplifts spirit .. protects, enhances, rushes the blood in the right places, lifts the head high ..
I need to translate two poems on the FB for all non Hindi readers .. one is the poem by my Father, with the picture of the dew drops on a leaf .. the other that shall come up tomorrow as my DP is written by me, describing the moment …
I anxiously await your response to it .. and anxiously adhere to sleep protocol and retire ..
My love …
ps: Moses Sapir illustrated my words on the Twitter thus .. sweet and inspiring ..
Britannia, London May 8/9, 2013 Wed/Thu 3 :05 AM gmt
Yes I do believe it is the hour that worries most and causes extreme rections among the Ef … yes it should be time to be in bed .. yes it is the hour to be taking good care of health … but… yes … the attraction of those that consider themselves to be extended to me as family, must be given the respect and the admiration they all deserve … which is .. due attention !!!
The flight in from JFK, New York was smooth and quicker than when we went the other way. Going into from Heathrow, London to Nyc was 8 and a half hours !! Coming back today was 6 hrs !! In fact during the days of the Concorde it was 5 and a half hours ! Time difference between Uk and USA being 5 hrs, when you took the Concorde, going out to Nyc, you actually had two breakfasts .. because you took off at 9:30 am and reached Nyc at the same time in UsA !! Concorde flying time - 3 hrs and 15 mins !! The flying needle’ they called it, because that is how it looked in full flight. Did the flight several times and added to it were several pleasant memories.
Soon after the first flight took place we were on it for a holiday with Shweta and Abhishek as toddlers almost .. and the joy of explaining to them the intricacies of the ‘sound barrier’ and how the aircraft flew faster than the speed of sound. That on most of the portions that it flew over land, it reduced speed, because on a Mach speed faster than sound, it would have the capacity to blow off all the glass windows below ! So interesting and novel was the plane that the Commander of the flight would give certificates to the kids, which confirmed that they had flown this special plane. On occasion we shared seats with great celebrity - Sir Alec Guiness, Tom Cruise, Richard Gere, and several others …
…. and then the stories related to it ..
You could actually see the curvature of the Earth as you flew at over 58,000 ft, on speeds of Mach 2 … at that height the atmosphere did not look blue, but a light purple ..
The funny tales of it .. its novel size, speed, landing nose shift, were all subjects of wonder and awe … plane was divided into two sections, the front and the rear .. no difference in status or price or seating or anything .. it was a structural necessity. The cabin crew service gallery, was in the front of the plane, and when food was served, naturally the first row in the front cabin got served a little earlier due to the convenience, since the alley was very narrow and long, there was difficulty in moving about to the rear and then up with food trays. This on one occasion, seemed to annoy one of the passengers who was sitting in the rear section. When her turn came to be served, she threw a shindig .. ” I am paying the same price for the ticket ” she exclaimed loudly, ” why is it that the guy in front is getting served first ” ?? . The air hostess not wanting to get intimidated by this somewhat uncalled remark, kept her cool and gently replied to her .. ” …because Ma’am, they are flying faster !! “. Silence ! No further questions or tantrums after. There was so much excited talk on the exceptional qualities associated with the making and the flying of the plane and its remarkable feats of speed, that the lady actually believed that there was a ‘technical advantage’ for the front row !! The speed factor though elicited many an interesting query. The best coming from the great Mohammed Ali, who on his first trip, wished to know, since the plane flew at such extreme speeds, whether if he was to be driving on the motor way and the Concorde flew by along him, would he be able to see it ..?!!
I have not come across any known record, of what the response to this question was !!
The Concorde, now that we are on the subject, flew limited destinations - one of the reasons for its discontinuance, apart from that one and the only disaster that took place in Paris when it crashed on take off !
It flew mostly over water bodies, because it would never be able to push the throttle to full, over land ..so London to Nyc, to Washington, to Rio I believe and the return to Paris also. The Paris factor being a consideration to the French, because the Concorde was a joint manufacturing effort of the French and the British !!
There was a time in those days when I was virtually living inside one.
I was on a concert tour of the States, various cities in the USA and Canada and the UK, when in the middle of the tour my Father took ill and I wanted to be by his side. So I would perform on the wek end, Saturday-Sunday in America and Concorde/747 back to India for the week and then 747/Concorde back to UsA to perform over the Sat/Sun .. some what disorientating, but it needed to be done. When it comes to parents and loved ones, nothing else matters !
I am told that the time in flying across the Atlantic now, is slower in order to save fuel !! And of course the Concorde has been withdrawn and buried !
Time, I would imagine, to bury my thoughts in final ceremony here, and shift at mach speed to the pillow and …
My love as ever ..
ps : Daughters are special … such a joy to be catching up with Shweta in London ..
Nyc Ny 10021 Usa May 7, 2013 Tue 8 :05 PM
There is a desire to connect for the day with the Ef … and to say how grateful I am to all for the support you gave me at the ‘red/black carpet’ for Gatsby … it has become the talk of the community ..
Spent the afternoon with Baz who wanted us over for lunch .. and he raved about the support and the fans and the posters and the screaming … just wonderful to hear it from him and the wonders of Indian Cinema ..
Moment of great pride for us all to be seeing the recognition that our cinema now invites from places it never did earlier ..
Love to all
Thank you Kankana for this .. it is beautiful ..
Nyc nY 10021, usA May 7, 2013 Tue 11 : 30 Am
First things first … a clarification .. ‘greater fans’ does not demean the ones that present themselves here in NYc .. its ‘more’ fans .. fans are fans .. for me they are well wishers, extended family … family has one connotation .. they are all equal ! Period ! End of discussion !!
Happy Birthday Zain .. love and happiness always ..
Occupied now with preparations for travel …they are always moments of sadness .. to leave a place which is settled in ..but one has to move on .. if I move on then there is the opportunity of a return .. and that to me seems greatly more exciting ..
Yes, the Variety Review posted by Ef Mujahid Malik was a revelation … it has shocked me into disbelief .. surely a few seconds on the screen that carries such huge and great stars and story and presentation cannot be overlooked ..
But it has to be the prayers and good willings of so many that have spent such great amounts of time and dedication to showing their affection to me through the years !! This has been monumental, and shall ever remain with me .. heartfelt appreciation and thanks seem so limited .. what can one ever say on this .. ??
I had not shared certain matters with the Ef for long but do now since the private meetings did get informed ..
Close relative having serious health problems has been here in New York for long and still battles .. it has been the main reason for being here with her .. prayers and wishes could go a long way in her healing ..
God bless you all … love and more …
ps: there shall be attempt for more post later …
Nyc, NY 10021, US of A May 6/7, 2013 Mon/Tue 1 : 50 AM
The days spent here in this bustling city of New York come to an end ..
There is travel now, and perhaps opportunity to meet up with greater fans and well wishers across the seven seas … well maybe not exactly that, though it does seem similar ..
Preparations continue.. there is always some thing of the unknown in what must be attempted next. And after several sessions and meetings, we are still not sure of which path one must take. Apprehensions of health take prominence over the lower class workers efforts. Equality in all that we function with, remains a subject after I whispered something in the air to another - the remainder wanting to either slider away or to have lived independently. There is such challenge for this to occur.
I have reached the ‘noddy brigade’ and seem to drop off any moment. May I write to you in the morning with a fresh mind and brain .. ??
Thank you ..
NYNY 10021, US of A May 5, 2013 Sun 11 : 45 PM
Discovering the importance of exercising the body … even after a huge gap .. the sprightliness of operation … the feel of being liberalised … light and efficient ..
The completion of words that got left behind … digging them out from under the duvet … completing connect and with apology …
Meetings and conversations with Ef … travel plannings … and those that shall be met with away in different shores … looking forward to those moments …
the interest that gets generated in different walks of profession and the work of compulsion at home … an entire box of opportunity, or seeming opportunity opening up in various spheres … interesting and inviting, but will they ever fructify … ??
The chill of the outdoor in this city of opportunity, or should it be land of .. city of residence reflect similar sentiment at times … indeed often always in the minds that come from smaller towns … inspiring enough to inspire a short film on it by Anurag Kashyap in ‘Bombay Talkies’ …
Schedules of the festival at Cannes … the together events exciting … there is always comfort with the many than with the individual …
Baz remembers his meeting with us and a meal at his place here in NYC .. I wondered if he had forgotten … people in his position and standing would perhaps do … and legitimate too, without offence .. they are big and large and of much greater importance … they are tall and I am not at all .. !! But it is finally working and a slight change of travel schedule shall mature into the meet …
Meanwhile the prospect of meeting up with the family soon … the little one in her growth and in her cute ways … thanking of course the many gifts that have come her way by the EF …profuse thanks …
Driving in rented car … those big American jobs, the black SUV’s and the discovery of the XM Radio channel, the soul tow jazz souped up .. moving in the dark street lights of the Apple, among lusty traffic, the XM playing somehow envelops the mood of the city in a strange way … there are sounds that associate a location .. this sound on the XM was …
Had made effort to search it again but never could get clos even … always happens … and some of the best music is lost in memory .. a pity that is lamented for years … because there was a special association with it … time, place, people … all ..
The pillow beckons again .. not again the error of cuddling the lap top .. sat up on separate table to guide my punch buttons … feel the difference ??
Thought you would ..
My love and attention and affection and gracious thank you’s for all that you do for me, selflessly … for one so undeserving as me .. !!